WeaselAdventure

I’m not a fan of reality T.V., karaoke or staying in on a Saturday night. So I’ve never been much of a fan of shows like the X-Factor. To be honest they usually pass me by.

However, this years X Factor winner, Alexandra Burke, sang a version of the song Hallelujah, made famous by dead popstar Jeff Buckley, as her final round entry into the competition. Her warbling of the lyrics seemed to seal the deal and she walked away with a £1million record deal.

Now Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah has been around for ages. I remember people harping on about it when I was stoned in high school. I didn’t think much of it then and I don’t think much of it now. Not that he’s got a bad voice or I don’t like the song, far from it, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. What a lot of people don’t know, or forget, is that it was written by Leonard Cohen, not Buckley. It is essentially a cover version, making it all the more depressing when you realize that this is his best known work. This is Jeff's own final round entry into the pop world.

However it hasn’t stopped shoe-gazing lefties around the world being suddenly united in hatred at the X Factor, at Miss Burke and everything they stood. Like every angry shoe-gazing mob in the world they retreated to their bedrooms and found solace in the internet.

Mass mobilization of indie chat rooms resulted in a plan to overthrow the mighty X Factor! Bring down this heinous cover! Destroy Alexandra Burke!

I received no less than two text messages telling me to download the original Jeff Buckley version.

If we download another 7000 Jeff’s will be at number two in the charts! Read one message.

This is amazing; we have the power to make a difference! Gushed one deluded individual.

The resulting Buckley/Burke battle is split into two camps. The Burka’s are your Saturday night, stay at home, Ant and Dec takeaway mob who probably download ring tones subscribe to Heat. The Buckaroos are self righteous, NME reading individuals who own skinny jeans and harp on about human rights while shopping in Primark.

Now what makes me giggle with glee is that the Buckaroo’s are doing their best to fight the Burka’s by legally downloading copies of Hallelujah just to beat the so called insipid version by this X Factor winner.

Let’s stop and take a minute to think about what is actually going on here:

Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah was written by Leonard Cohen who lost the rights to it a little over two years ago when Sony BMG bumped it for a cool $10.

Sony BMG own the publishing rights.

Burke’s version is licensed to Universal for publishing by Sony BMG.

What we have here is an amazing money printing scam by the majors. And guess what? They’re using iTunes to do it… and you said they were behind in the times.

By stirring the hornet’s nest of, supposedly, opposed music fans the majors have once again shown that they hold all the cards.

Well done to them, I say. They’ve proven beyond reasonable doubt that, as a marketing tool, the X Factor and shows like it work. It creates passion and inspiration in everyone. It insights conversation, reaction and most of all it drives record sales.

It’s not the Burke fans who are the mass media idiots. It’s the shoe-gazing indie morons who have jumped on this hype and filled the coffers of the very thing they think they’re standing against.

The labels don’t care who wins, as long as they do.

Genius.

As for me, selling a cover of a cover by a dead guy by a talent show winner is the epitome of flogging a dead horse.

Having lived, loved and traveled in USA I have more than a passing interest in the country and its politics. I was there in the 2004 on the build up to the last election and remember the passive atmosphere around it. It seemed that the people were either comfortable in their lives, miles from danger or confused and disinterested in the politics as there really wasn’t much of a choice for the people to make. While many will harp on about the rigged voting system, I really wonder what the difference would have been had John Kerry won.

The country then, as it is now, was already set on a free-fall path of war and self destruction and it’s doubtful that mild-manned Kerry and his compulsion for exaggeration would really have cut the mustard.

Despite being one of the most useless Presidents America has ever had George W. Bush has achieved one incredibly positive thing. Albeit inadvertently; he has shaken the general American conscious into an awareness of the wider world and its problems.

By bombing the shit out every country containing a disproportionate amount of sand he has done what Clinton never even attempted: he acknowledged the existence of a world beyond America’s boundaries. So much so that in 2003 Bob ‘Give Us Your Fucking Money’ Geldof, told the Guardian that Bush has done more for Africa than any President since Kennedy.



People are highly critical of the problems in Iraq and Afghanistan but really they are a relic of the Cold War and one that Clinton never really had the balls to address head on.
A fine example was 9/11, arguably the result of Clinton’s refusal to acknowledge American involvement with the Taliban and Afghanistan during the Cold War . Bush had only been in office eight months and, as anyone who has had to deal with Glasgow City Council tax will tell you, not a great deal of beaureaucratic or political progress can be made by anyone in that timescale.

But it was the Bush Administration’s reaction to 9/11 that was the catalyst for a major upheaval in your average American’s political awareness. They kept very quiet about their immediate response to the attacks. As a result, the internet lit up with the most conspiracy theories it had seen since JFK was killed by Elvis. Everything from planned government attacks to missiles painted to look like jet planes was 'uncovered'. Whether you believe them or not is another story. Frankly, the idea that, rather than playing golf, Bush spent ten months orchestrating a terrorist attack that would ultimately lead to his presidential legacy being judged as nothing short of sadistic means that he either has very bad advisors or he has no clue as to what is going on around him. Which is, of course, a very likely possibility.

It’s this possibility that Bush was never really aware and that someone else was was in charge that added kindling to the conspiracy fire surrounding the political system in America. Did the Levee break or was it broken; is it for God or for Oil; and, most recently,when will the pan-American alliance take place and the dollar be replaced by the Amero?

Many of these arguments miss out on vital elements of the American constitution, which every man woman and child in the USA rightly cling to. We live in an age of digital media and, for all their paranoid ramblings, the conspiracy theorists succeeded in showing Americans that they needed to pay more attention to politics.

It may be timely that the current crash in the world economy came around the same time as this presidential election. An election where many Americans saw a great new hope in Senator Barack Obama.

Here, for the first time in the county’s history, was an African American who could realistically become President. He had enviable character flaws, a beautiful family and he represented the American dream in its entirety. Here was hope incarnate.

In the last few months it didn’t matter what Obama’s policies were, what mattered was that he was different. New and improved. Young and patriotic. Obama was America 2.0; it was almost inevitable that he would win.

Maybe I’m a little behind but I’m sure there are rumours afoot that he is nothing more than a placeman for the ‘real people’ who run America, those shadowy figures that pull the strings. Certainly his election success is a calming influence on a populous filled with distrust for their own government. A black man in power proves that democracy works in America. Doesn’t it?

Regardless of your beliefs I’m left a little shivery after all the fever. An election hangover if you will. The last time the West saw such a monumental victory for democracy was when Thatcher became the Iron Lady of Downing Street and I’m not too convinced that was for the best.

Her legacy lives on in the failings of the housing market and the infrastructure of the U.K’s failing healthcare system and partially privatised public services that leech on the Bank’s new 3% base rate . As we’ve seen in the past few weeks, Governments themselves are forced to gamble in the short term and they very rarely win.

It takes time to make and implement successful policy changes and lurching between administrations every four years is never going to make for a stable climate. With the press quick to cause a stir; the invisible impact of the previous administration on the new will, almost, always create a negative effect. After all, that’s why their policies were voted out in the first place.

Obama has a tough time ahead. With nearly a quarter of a century of Bush and Clinton’s churlish decision’s to address I’ll be amazed if he isn’t assassinated for his apparent immediate failings rather than the colour of his skin.

A wise American friend told me on Wednesday night, ‘it’s up to us now to make sure he’s accountable.’ And while that may be true, I’m terrified that this great man will fall victim to the newly politicised, rabid American people before he’s even had a chance to make a real difference.

My head is teeming with ideas. It always is when I’m in London. I love the place, the race and the people.

For some reason though, it’s not as good as I expected it to be this time. There is something a little off, there certainly isn’t as many beautiful people around and it just feels a little overcast compared it’s usual arrogant self.

Of course the economy is going crunch all over the world which affects tourism and finance big time… London’s two big draws.

It’s also the last day of a busy week and summer is obviously a long long way away and it isn’t quite time to be in the festive spirit. In fact it’s a kind of empty, worrying period for a lot of people.

Of course London could be just the same and maybe it’s me. I have actual work to do while I’m down here and while I enjoy the schmoozing and boozing that goes along with my job, it’s still a job and, at the moment, for a company I’m not to enamoured with.

The other big thing is that it takes me away from home at the moment and working the weekends, no matter how glam the location is something I no longer want to do as it takes me away from Eli for far too long.

My hotel room also sucks big time and has no phone reception which keeps me out of contact with her when I’m in here and when I’m not I have to pay the London lifestyle tax of at least £1 a minute.

I’m staying in Trafalga square which is lovely. Though the last time I was here Dave and I had a laugh at humping the lions and paddling at 2am. Happy memory, but with really bad bittersweet aftertaste.

My usual love of London comes from my huge desire to live here, successfully. It’s the heart of everything I want to be good at so I’ll need to do it sometime. Perhaps it’s that I’m not here that gets me down, or perhaps it’s I’m not even making successfully in Glasgow yet. I’m trying to work out whether I would really do better in the fast pace / lots of jobs London market or bad job market / slow reacting Scottish market. I’d like to think the former. It means a fast fish in a slow pond, who is itching to get out.

It’s all this experience and not enough done that gets me down. I’ve done so much and I still haven’t made it any where yet. I do have more friends that I can shake a rat at which is wonderful.

Speaking of which, it’s time to get ready for the onslaught tonight. Someone thought it was a good idea to let me and Granty lose on the capital..

And here was me laughing at him for being an ‘emo blogging gay blade.’

You really know who your friends are when....

On the eve of my 26th birthday I’m feeling decidedly contemplative. It’s been, perhaps, the best twelve months yet. Highlights have included:

Worshipping at the feet of Patrick Swayze and being saddened by his illness

Gardening.

Trying to climb into a mirror in an absinth bar in Berlin with Eli, Grieg Carolynne and Matze.

Not washing for five days in Lithuania with Peter and Eli.



Building the coffee table by hand.



Not finishing dinner for the first time in my life at the 42oz steak challenge.

Climbing the 9000ft of Half Dome in Yosemite National Park with Eli.



Driving Highway One in a convertible Mustang with Eli.



Making our own beer! Fact.

Three friends announcing pregnancy and no-one dying! Three up!

Shooting Guns in Las Vegas with Eli.

Die Hard 4, Indiana Jones 4, Cloverfield, Iron Man

The Death Magnetic.

Seeing Take That and Marilyn Manson in the same week.



Gutting a fish for the first time in memory.



Seeing team 111 all together again.



Learning to play the guitar again.

San Francisco.



Finally meeting Dustin.



Catching up with Robbie, Lyndsay and Sandy again

The Grand Canyon.

Rubbing rice on my face while drunk and falling over.

Learning to love the gym.

EELS!

Drunk or Disabled, Ginger Bender, Gay or French, Tattie or Turd and stop the bus.

Founding the Sausage Assassins.


Uncle Declan’s magic.

Gingers and Gypsies.



Sergio and New York.



Watching my Aunt run the half marathon.

The Tight Line and all who sail in her!



CERN

The art school street party.



Nigerian food.

The Hidden Canyon.


Weasels.

Eli





Two weddings! Jonathan and Jennifer and Pierce and Katye.

Geoff’s apartment and a brief visit to Greensboro.



Being a main character in a chapter of non-fiction book about Sex.

Getting a real job and being able to genuinely complain about being ‘on tour’.

Pirate parties in the rain in St Andrews.

Stew.

Bread.

Sex.

Dressing up as Doc Brown at Halloween.



An unexpected Halloween Optimo and daytime binge with Davey K.



Low points

The messing with the running order of Christmas day. Presents always first. Get it out of the way. Food second and third and fourth.

Shitting myself in the street in the middle of the afternoon.

Plans for next year…

Continue the success of this year.

Make cider.

Li'l' Free' and (ahem) Li'l Dick

Finish my book.

Slipknot, Metallica and AC/DC live.

New Star Trek movie.

Baz and Louise's Wedding.



Lovely new tattoos.

First Sausage assassins gig!

Eli.

Much much more so stay tuned. Same Bat time! Same Bat channel!

Well we've been back for so long and embroiled in work, school and many other stories. Eli's about to back to school and I'm about to enter the Autumn touring schedule at work. So rather than rattle on about America and how awesome it is, was, always will be.. I've taken the executive decision to post up a wee photoblog of the last week in America.

We had a wonderful time. The Tilford's took us in when we were hungry and treated us like family and the Freelon's, as ever, looked after and welcomed us. Kevin's mom let us bunk in her house, though we didn't get to meet her, one day, soon I hope we can return the favour and David was amazing at making sure we didn't get lost! We had a wicked time taking it easy at his moms house and exploring the park. It's great to know we're part of all their extended clans!




Just like old times in College Hill!



'mon the bevvie!



Good work.



Over engineering.



Miles Davis' ...



Lard! It's been here for years!



The dug!



This landed here and then a butterfly flew out!



The 'other' room mates..



'I'm not going up there double fisting it.'



David and Ashanti.



The original line up...



Who looks the business?



Kevin, me and Brandon...



All three Freelons...



Kevin and Eli...



Old friends and new ones!



Sergio!!



Weasel in New York...

Our best intentions to finish the holiday blog have been left aside in the wake of work, family and five 42oz steaks. However, our scribblings have been so well received that they’ll probably become a permanent fixture. It saves listening to us talk so much. Anyway, one thing at a time. Let’s finish the holiday.

In the sweaty heat of North Carolina, Eli and I took a wander into the College Campus. It was still mildly strange to see Eli wandering around a place where I spent so much time away from everyone in Scotland. Like a wise man once said: Like a dream where you see your Gran in the Cathouse.



The campus has grown quite a bit. A fair number of new dorms have sprung up around the place and for once the fountain was on in front of the Caf. They have even built new music building with Miles Davis’ trumpet in the foyer. After a quick trip down memory lane we headed to out to Geoff’s parents.



They live in a beautiful house out in the countryside of North Carolina. Of course you’ve got to be aware of what that actually means. Most cities and towns in America have a similar feel. Intersecting roads built on a planned grid and 1980’s neon signs sitting comfortably with 50’s bleached billboards. The American’s don’t renovate or replace they just keep adding to what’s already there. Usually this doesn’t include pedestrains who are absent from the American town picture. This is a country built on cars. A country where they don’t think twice about building a bar somewhere you actually have to drive to drink in.

The little town is a perfect example of this American chic. It’s got lots of supermarkets and not much else. Being the south, it’s also got a lot of Conservative and religious types. So much so that they only just got a bar you have to drive to. It’s the only bar in town. Even buying a bottle of wine was fairly difficult . The supermarket sold all manner of non-alcoholic wines but Satan-be-damned if they have any booze. Wasn’t that Jesus’ best trick? You could however buy a twelve kg tub of lard. We were tempted to grease ourselves up and wrestle.



Geoff’s parents are great. Lovely and laidback and, boy, can they cook a steak. We spent the evening eating and hanging out the back porch with them and his brother and the dugs – a former racing lurcher and medium-sized over excited Heinz. The house is way out the sticks and it was nice to escape and listen to tree frogs and crickets for a few hours.

By the time we got back it was too late to pick up some beer so we turned up a Pony’s place empty handed and enjoyed a game of risk. My old roommate David came over and it was great to catch up. He’s engaged to the girl he was seeing while I was over there and had more than a few fun stories about getting stuck in New Orleans and proposing over dinner. It was great.

We took these for Jimmy, at his request...better with sound.

We're home now. Safe and sound... but there is still a fair bit of travelog to go, so before we officially flush America out of our systems, we'll continue with the chat.

Our second flight of the day was in an Emberer Jet. It's a little 25 seater aircraft that scares the bejesus out of me. To make matters worse they found a problem with the engine while we were boarding. We had to sit in the glass fronted terminal watching some men in jump suits shrug their shoulders and make a face that said 'oh well' before boarding.

One girl even got off the plane. Scary stuff.

Anyway, we landed proper and Geoff was on hand to collect us. He sporting a rather large mustache that gets into his food and causes him a great deal of distress, but it goes well with his pseudo gypsy image.

His apartment is about a mile off campus, an old 1920's building with a lot of character, particlarly the huge brown heater in the middle of the living room that seems to have a mind of it's own. I think it may have been retrofit in the 70's, but it's a nice place for Geoff to build steampunk outfits from.

Geoff's next door neighbour is an odd looking strange talking oldish man who seems to have a very long whacking stick. Even at conversation level he repeatedly bangs on the wall, for upwards of 3 minutes at time. Geoff was delighted we were staying because everyone else we know is scared to come round. I thought it was great. We only saw the guy once, partaking in his favourite hobby which is standing outside on the side walk just looking at cars...for hours.

Immediately we headed out to El Carratton.. the wheel barrow. A popular hang out with the international kids back in the day and glad to report it hasn't changed at all. Much like the rest of Greensboro.

We grabbed a case of beer and rushed to Kevin's appartment where he was sat in his shorts, playing video games.I even found a bottle in his bathroom for spitting dip into. Like I said, things haven't changed. It was great to see him again and the same jokes flew thick and fast as we caught up with the biggest man on campus and his infectious laugh.

We headed out to College Hill, which was Geoff and I's old haunt and it was particularly trippy to have Eli there. There was lots of toasting to the old and to the new as we got progressively more drunk and boisterous before being turfed out at 2am... I think it's a record for us to make it to closing time in that place.

We crashed out at Geoff's place rising at around 4pm before having some breakfast at a really sketchy diner. A spot of laundry, some more catching up with a friend called Brandon.. otherwise known as Pony after his incredible hair...and then off to the mall, where I successfully blew a few hundred dollars on a Carolina Panthers shirt and pair of trainers.

We took things a little easier that night, talking video games, comic books and music just like old times before hitting the hay at a respectable time.

The weather thus far had been cool but it was starting to pick up over night. By the end of the week, we were sweaty ugly messes, full of the southern joojoo.

I was concerned that on the ride back to LA we would be stuck with that chatty members of the group while tired and irritable but mostly everyone slept. Stopped for some food and after 45mins it hadn't been put on the grill so then we were the rude ones for wanting to cancil our order and get our monies back. It worked out real well though because on the next stop we got an In and Out burger instead and everyone was happy. Who can resist a shake? Tasty Tasty.

We didn't get back to LA till about 8 and after a days drive and a night party we were pretty shattered. We ate salad which was o-so-good and watched some female body building show on tv in the hotel because we were too burnt out to change the channel.

Thats officialy the end of the trek. We're on wedding time now. I feel like we've seen loads but at the same time we've seen hardly anything of a country that takes up a whole continent and has it's own time zones. It's a strange feeling.

The next day we dossed about and walked down to the beach. It blows my mind that in the middle of residential areas and on public beaches there are MASSIVE power plants and electrical farms. No wonder this city has the highest cancer rate of the world.

We spent the afternoon just on the beach and exploring the little squares of shops and cafes that break out on the the beach front every mile or so. We got to see alsort of people and Graeme stresses in silece over our flight to come. When it started to cloud over we experienced the LA public transport system. All I can say is it is no wonder no one uses it.

I called Jen to pick up our cases and buy them dinner in exchange. She met us at the hotel and we went and got some veggie food and talked trash till about 10 by which time we were tired again. I think our bodies have floped now because they know theres no more 5am sunrise treks to be done. Except the 4am trek to the airport the next day.

You'd think LAX being one of the busiest airports in the world would be quite we'll organised. You'd be wrong. The place is a shambles and everyone is real unhelpful. It was a shame I quite like traveling but it stresses me out when people are just plain rude when we ask for help. On the plane we were sitting by a kid who was flying alone who made Graeme laugh and forget about the flying. He had enough crisps and sweets and caramel covered popcorn to feed all three of us and the attention span of approximately 7 minuets. Thank goodness for steriotypes. We entertained each other for the flight because the film was Leatherheads and was neither here nor there.

Our stop over was in Cleavland, Ohio and we saw some Mormans and ate hotdogs in the air port before we got on our tiny little bi-plane to Greensburgh.

Our first trip into Vegas proper saw us catch a cab from the Gun Store to the Luxor hotel - a giant pyramid that is designed around an ancient Egypt theme. On top of the pyramid is huge light that shoots into the sky and can be seen from over 200 miles away. It's pretty cool.

We took a bus along the strip toward the Hilton hotel which is a fairly old establishment now, but still one of the nice ones. The Casino itself is a fairly bog standard but as you make your way round toward the Star Trek experience the theme begins to evolve into a futuristic spacey event. Even the toilets are Star Trek themed, which was exciting because no-one ever poops on the show.

Around the entrance was a collection of Klingon, Borg and assorted star fleet crew all milling about. We had struck gold. For the last week there has been a big convention on and everyone was out dressed in their finery on this Saturday night. We followed the throng up and around the museum pieces from the show, ooohing and aaahing at the uniforms and photon torpedoes. The wait was around twenty minutes long for each ride and we started with the Klingon Encounter. The story follows a plot by the Klingons to kidnap an ancestor of Captain Picard from the past, of course he's one of our lot.

So rather than get on the simulator ride there is an emergency teleportation of our group onto the enterprise. Suddenly we're on the bridge..the actual bridge of the enterprise... surrounded by chattering crew and Klingon threats. Next, it's into the turbo lift which loses control and shakes us about for a bit and then onto the shuttle craft which takes us through a really good bit of a dogfight with the Klingons and then through a wormhole back over Vegas.

The whole thing was pretty well orchestrated and the details were superb. We felt like years of geekdom were finally being rewarded.

Next up was the Borg Invasion in 4D. We'd spoken to some kids in the line who said it was pretty scary and looking at the creepy costumes we built it up quite significantly in our heads. Clutching onto each other as we were lead through the a series of Geoffery's Tubes. I expected an Alien War type event being led through the ship as the Zombie robots clawed at us. This was the case but it was a little half assed, lacking the detail of the Klingon ride. As we were led into a big room that represented a transport ship we were issued with 3D goggles and took part in the rest of the story, which saw us all being assimilated by the queen. I mean, it was kinda cool, but the were trying to cater to about 100 people at a time, so rather than a 3D simulator it was just a 3D movie and not a great one at that.

The opportunity for some scary action was dangled in front of us and it never really materialized. Never mind, we ran round and went back on the Klingon Encounter. Hurrah for Star Trek!

We waited in the twenty minute line for a seat in Quarks bar and were thrilled to guzzle down a boozy Warp Core Breach which arrived in a fishbowl steaming with dry ice. We dined on Steak and Seafood surrounded by numerous aliens, trekkies and the members of the DEFCON hacker convention. All of whom took a shine to Eli and warned us not to use cell phones of ATMs and invited us to a hacker party that would be going on to 4am.. wow! 4am!

As the Romulan Ale flowed chants of 'Kirk! Kirk! Kirk' lit up the room, followed by one of 'Star Trek! Star Trek! Star Trek!' We were giddy.

We got back to our room a little tipsy and had a quick shower before heading out on the town. Despite all its temptations of spending we opted for the old rum in a cup trick. We simply filled a big coke cup with some rum and topped it up with coke along the way. We took in all the major highlights of the casinos and just wandered our way through the buildings enjoying getting lost and confused as the architecture pushes you this way and that to encourage spending.

The lights are blinding and the people are drunk and stupid. What happens in Vegas really doesn't stay there, especially when you're lifting $3000 at a time on your credit card and being reminded by the cashier that you did the same thing an hour ago.

It's changed a little since the last time I was there, a few new casino's and some money saving at the others. For example, the Venitian casino no longer turns from day to night every hour..it just stays day. Bit of a swizz I think.

We pooled our resources and plucked up our courage to do a little gambling and headed to the window to turn our whopping $15 risk into chips. Craps was enticing, partly because of the name, but we couldn't work out how to play it. You have to go onto a holding strip and hope the number 7 comes up and then you an maybe place a bet and yadda yadda yadda.

So we took Alex advice. Black 11 it was to be. All or nothing. We tested the water with a quick flurry on Black and we won! Doubled our money! From here it was plain sailing. With our fifteen dollars now safe in our back pocket once again we went for the big time.

Fifteen Dollars on Black Eleven. The ball hit the wheel with an exciting crack and bounced it's way around and around clicking into the little grooves before finally coming to rest on the winning number!

Sadly, it wasn't our winning number. It was the house. Red four. House always wins.

We kept our $15 as a momento of our gambling experience and headed back to bed at around 7am. Sunset to sunrise on the strip. The only way to do it.

I've just changed the settings to allow comments without having to register...sorry Mom, I had it set like that, now y'all can poke fun at our big mugs with relative ease.

And sorry for the giant size of the pictures on the previous post, you kinda have to move them about to see the full image. Geoff has a new computer and it lacks photoshop to bring them down in size. Still though... I think they're pretty.

It took us about a day to reach Las Vegas. We navigated our way through the Mojave desert and into an old cowboy town. I forget the name of it, however the slogan is 'The Ghost Town That Refuses To Die'.

As we arrived our trek leader had staged a little bit of theatrics and the bus was held up by a group of armed bounty hunters looking for Flirty Girty. They promptly had a shoot out with the local law enforcement and much merriment was had. The town itself was a collection of old buildings and outhouses many of which had been converted to little shops selling the usual tourist fayre. We had a little wander up and down the street and were tempted to buy carrots to feed the Burros... wild donkeys that wander about the streets. They are bigger than regular donkeys and look pretty smart when you catch their eyes. Although I think they like getting hit by trucks and cars. The young ones can't swallow carrots either, so maybe they ain't so smart.

Onward to Las Vegas, which is easily the warmest place we've been. About 40 in the shade during the middle of the day. According to the guide book it's the fastest growing city in American and it builds a new school every month. Which seems a lot to me.

As we arrived we pulled into a little frozen yogurt bar and enjoyed a tasty treat. We checked into our hotel which was beautiful and, most importantly, cool before heading out for some adventures.

Our first port of call was the local Gun Store with it's indoor range. I was very excited about this as it was the final thing on my 'To Do' list from five years ago: Shoot a gun. WE had various discussions with people across the country about whether having guns is a good thing. The vast majority of the population believe it keeps the country safe and are shocked that we don't have them. The right to bear arms is as important to Americans as the right to vote. Sadly it is apparent that most people aren't too fussed about the latter.

Anyway, to us tourist Guns are as big a part of American culture as twinkies and cadillacs - you've got to shoot 'em.

The building was filled with typical American frat boy types proclaiming their manhood after the excitement of offloading their weapons in front of each other. It was pretty hilarious. Rocket launchers, machine guns and missiles lined the walls and serious looking men with pistols served the giggling masses.

Eli picked a very nice 9mm while I opted for the Iraq Paq which is the three guns that are commonly used to shoot the dissidents in the Gulf. Next we had to select our targets. We could choose from a number of Asian looking chaps, an Irish man or a black man wielding a gun. I selected an IRA terrorist and, public enemy number one, Osama Bin Laden.

With ear protectors and goggles on we went into the range and prepared to take out our targets. My first gun was like a huge gattling thing with it's own stand. Holding it close to my chest the guy told be to not to squeeze the trigger but rather pull it back in one quick motion and let off around twenty rounds. The kick back wasn't too had but the spent shells flew everywhere and were as hot as molten rock. Next up was some weird machine gun thing that I couldn't handle and didn't like too much. The thing threw bullets all around the place and had some serious recoil.

Finally, the handgun. Of course I though I was doing not bad until Eli presented her score card and had nine clean shots to the head and nine to the heart. She was awesome. I even got a fun T shirt with a picture of a pistol on and the slogan 'I don't call 911'. Very silly fun.


Meditating on Angel's Landing in Zion.



Making our way to the Hidden Canyon.




The Hidden Canyon.




Getting a little soggy in the narrows.




Catching a squirrel!




Spots and stripes.




Meditating in monument valley.




Valley Skies.




My favourite pin-up.

Eli on top of Glacier Point, Half Dome in the distance.



Eli rocks!




The biggest tree's in the world, Sequoia.



Waterfalls at the foot of Half Dome. Angel Falls I think. You can't drink the water.




Meditating at the top of Half Dome.



Lebowski the Marmot.





Eli's reward for a hard days climb.



Standard couple photo.




Pretty lake on the way out of Yosemete




Freedom isn't Free




UFO over area 51. What are the chances?

Having arrived safely in Greensboro, it's possible to relax and write this on a real computer, rather than glorified airport vending machines! So, hopefully the spelling will iron itself out a little!

As one of the seven wonders of the natural world the Grand Canyon is an awesome sight to behold. It kind of creeps up on you as you approach because unlike other natural wonders it doesn't loom off in the distance. Mainly because it's a big hole in the ground.

When we were near enough our tour leader, Molly, pulled into the car park and led us all to the edge. We walked, with our eyes closed, in single file and on the count of three opened them. The effect is outstanding but incredibly difficult to comprehend. Without exploring the big ditch itself it's easy to let the view wash over you. The average visitor only spends a couple of hours here which is a real shame.

We were eager to get down into the canyon but we first headed to the campsite and got prepared for the third sunset of the trip. At 5am we dashed to edge and drank in the view. The scale can't really be described but as the sun came up we peered over to see where we would be heading that day.

Our aim was to make it to Plateau Point, past what is known as the Indian Garden a little nook that has some shade and enough water to support a lush little forest. The point is an exposed outcropping about a mile long. To reach it you have to climb down 3000 feet and then out to the plateau itself. It takes about 3 hours to get there and about 5 or 6 to get back. It's kinda like climbing a mountain in reverse and it plays havoc with you knees!

As you descend you begin to assimilate all the information that is being presented to you. The stripes on the rocks represent eons of time and erosion and, though they're not really sure exactly how it was formed, you can see the paths carved by glaciers and rivers over time. The current theory is that the Canyon was once part of the sea bed as there is an incredible concentration of fossils on the south rim. Tectonic shifts during the very creation of the continents forced the sea bed up and created a flat top mountain. From here, it's anyones guess as to how the river managed to flow in and freeze such a large mass, though it's clearly apparent that it did.

The hike itself was easier than we expected. We had built it up to be mammoth expedition in over 40 degree heat. As such we were packing nearly three gallons of water. Once again we encountered many, many morons who thought they could make with a pair of old trainers and an apple. We saw three chaps, with the office spread, waddling their way in with 330ml bottle of water between the three of them. The rangers have to rescue around 300 people per day for heat exhaustion and more people die here than in any other national park. Indeed some poor soul fell into the canyon on the day were there. It took the rescue teams some 4 hours to recover the body. Apparently he lost his footing... yikes.

On our day, it was fairly overcast in the afternoon so the heat wasn't as horrific as it could have been, touching the high thirties. We made good time and I think we could have added five hours onto our day and made it to the canyon floor. There is a collection of buildings called the Phantom Ranch that were built by the C.C.C, a volunteer conservation force launched by Roosevelt in the 30's to help pull the country out of the great depression. Very soviet looking posters I might add. Its operated as a kind of little bunk house now but you need a permit to even consider making it that far and it's a four month application process.

On the ascent we were even mildly disappointed with the ease we tackled the well know 'Heart Attack Hill' that makes up the final mile and half. I secretly think we were just gutted to be on our last walking day.

The view point is incredible; resting about halfway down the canyon. It looks out over the torrent of the Colorado river as it rips it's way through the landscape. Turning round you see the sheer face of the canyon wall... and realise that you have to climb back up. We rested for a little while and gasped as the condors swooped just meters overhead. They were so close that you could read the numbers on the tags on their wings. It must be noted that these are incredibly ugly birds! For all their grace, size and fiercely endangered status they look like a cross between a seagull, a turkey vulture and a old man.

Massive, but.

As we approached the ranch the heavens opened above us and an incredible storm pinned us in for a few hours. The rain was so thick and heavy that you couldn't see more than a few feet ahead and the sky was continually lit with lightning.

Lucky for us there was steak being fixed indoors and we indulged in some serious meaty goodness, potato, salad, wine and rum. It was a real western feast. As the rain slowed we made our way to the barn and traded line dancing for the gay gordons. The drink flowed and I found myself on the porch talking to an old cowboy about his iconic status in my memory and discussing the creation and destruction of the universe and it's contents as the storm took on the world in the distance. It was wicked.
he even produced a six strung, twelve string guitar and we played songs back and forward as best we could.


The next day we were up and at 'em again making our way through the desert to monument valley. Think Marlboro and John Wayne and you'll know exactly what it looks like.

The Valley itself is part of the Navajo reserve, the Western name for the native Americans who live there. In there language Navajo means 'the enemy' so it's not the nicest of terms. It was a little depressing at first as the arrival to the reerve is kinda beat up and run down and I suppose there is a collective responsabity for the destruction of this ancient populous.


However, we took a jeep ride through the desert and our guide, Willie, was a true indian, born in a mud hut and raised in a traditional manner. Though it seemed he was conscripted as he made a couple of references to his time in 'Nam.

We visited a scary old lady who showed us traditional crafts and we at outside between the standing structures. It was a beautiful, but slightly bittersweet tour.

The next day we stopped at the Glen Canyon Dam, one of the many that try and tame the mighty Colorado river as it makes its way to the Grand Canyon. It's only a little smaller than the Hoover Dam and before e took the tour we had a fun splash around in the Dam water. It was an interesting place and we walked out onto the dam wall, being careful not to whisper the word 'bomb' lest the armed homeland security pounced.

We even saw pictures of a moron who had jumped off the Canyon wall from 70 feet into the water, only to be promptley killed.

An interesting fact made us chuckle...when the dam was finished they had enough concrete left over to donate to the nearby town. They recieved the gift graciousley and promptley built....a school? Noooooo. A hospital? Nooooo. A community centre? Nooooo. Ten points to the big ginger at the back.

Churches. A whole street churches. Dam Churches.

This post might be brief.. we're back in LA and about to go to dinner with some friends. I know check us out.

Since the last post we've taken in the highlights of Bryce Canyon, Piria Ranch, Monument Valley, The Grand Canyon and Las Vegas... so forgive me if I don't make it to the end of our tales!

On the way to Bryce Canyon we passed through the Great Basin and Nevada. It's awesome to realise that on the course of this trip we passed through three timezones and two different daylight savings times. Navajo reserves don't observe daylight savings.. quite right too. Just get up earlier.

13 year old Graeme had an incredibly exciting time on the way to Bryce Canyon as we passed by Area 51. We even stopped at a little cafe called the Little Al'e Inn. Interesting characters to say the least.

Bryce Canyon is one of the most unusual places I have ever seen outside of a movie. Think back to Star Wars, specifically Tatooine and the scenes where Luke encounters the Bantha's and Ben Kenobi or when R2D2 gets captured by the Jawa's.

It's a beautiful collection of imposing sand structures with a complex path woven around them. Monumental caves dot the paths and the massive towers glow red in the sun. We caught our second sunrise here and it was beautiful to watch the sunlight play of the clouds and light up the landscape. It's a pretty small park and we took in a couple of treks in the afternoon.

Our next stop was Paria Ranch a working cowboy ranch complete with cowboys. We had perhaps the best event of the trek, a horse ride round the Ranch. My horse was called the Duke, sadly not a Beastie Boys reference, but a John Wayne tip, as most of you western fans will know. We took the second group, which gave us time to change into our Levi's and tuck some dip into our bottom lips. The trek was incredible. The land is so flat that you can see over 200 miles in every direction and we navigated our way through empty settlements and past squaking vultures. At least three storms began to close in on us and it was an unbelivable event to watch huge fork lightning strikes pound the ground in the distance.

Anyway.. times a ticking. Need to go. We'll try and post tommorrow from the Airport.

Okay so we've been on the trek for about 5 days now.

We picked up the tour group in San Fransisco at 7:30am on Tuesday. At a hotel just along from the shiney new fedral building in town. Tasty tasty. This ment we got up about 5am to catch the BART from Oakland - thats the public transport in San Fransisco. Needless to say we wern't taking it seriously enough. We were really quite lucky actually because we found it while we were wondering around the artist warehouse parts of the town. There's alot of disused buildings in San Fransisco as part of the failing DotCom boom of the 90's. Basicaly what happens is a bunch of artists and kids move in, do it up then the company who owns the building buys the people out and sells the place as trendy appartments. It's quite fun.

We met everyone at this hotel and piled in to the mini bus which will be our transport for the next 14 days. We saw the Golden Gate bridge (again) but it was still foggy so we all just had a jaunt across it - except from Joris, the guy who is scared of hights, but we'll come to that later.

We drove straight from there to Yosemite across country. We had a wee orientation of the park in the afternoon and saw a bear after being warned that they we're quite shy and hard to spot. It was very exciting. The valley itself is awe inspiring. El Capitan, one of the shear faces of the park is breath taking and is not going to be done any justice by our photographs. It's immense in the truest sense of the word.

That was our first night of getting to know the people we'll be in the pokets of for the next two weeks. We had some beers and ate chilli. It's all very wholesome. There's two Belgians, two Brits, a kiwi, us and the rest are Dutch. Our tour leader Molly is from New Mexico but lives in Las Vegas, speaks fluent German and has travelled the world. Not bad. We're camping all the way but the tents are simple to put up and we've been given a Thermarest each so it's pretty comfy now we've invested in a simple cheepo Walmart blanket rather than our Scottish winter sleeping bags.

That next day we did a walk down Glacier point, which was pretty easy but was a good introduction to the heat, sandy walkways and everyone elses fitness level. Surprisingly we're right up there - you'd think we were athletes hahaha. We saw a long windey man (snake) on this hike and plenty of lizards. Unfortunatly Diana tripped and took a chunk out her knee and is unable to do most of the walking on the trip bummer. From here we visited the Seqouia groves. These trees are not only the biggest plants in the world but also the largest living things on the planet. Again, see above for awe inspiring / lack of photographic justice. Incidently they were discovered by the same Scotsman who campained for the region to be a protected national park. Go team! We saw another bear on the way back to the campsite galloping across the road in from of the van. It was a big one and real fast. It must have been late for it's tea.

The next day was free for us to do any trek in the park we wanted so we did the most brutal one. Obviously. The Half Dome mountain dominates the parks skyline and is the sheerest face climb in the country. Following a six hour trek in the blistering heat the climbers are presented with a 600ft blind summit acsent using the most shoddy cables. See video. Graeme made it to the top but I manage to get half way up the cables and freak myself out so I had to come back. I'm such a wuss.



(For the hardened climbers out there, it's not really that difficult, but trust me it's mighty scary on the way up and down. This is compounded by the number of morons in slip on vans and flip flops who have miraculously made it this far and insist on attempting the ascent. The family behind be on the descent were using the phrase 'controlled slide' every time they lost thier footing. They all looked pretty ill by the time they got down. G)

At the top Graeme saw a Marmot, a big chubby one, and wrote 'Dave Was Here' in the sand (It was about 3.30 on Friday afternoon, putting it bang on his birthday, UK time. Although I didn't realise this until just now. Still I was compelled to get to the top and write in the sand. Forgot the bloody whisky though - G). After a quick look round he came back down and we made our way back down the path. Unfortunatley we ran out of water about two hours from the bottom and despite the elegant pools and waterfalls, you cant drink from the streams. God knows why, but it was pretty irritating. Still it made the cool beer all the better when we reached the bottom. All in - 12 hours round trip.

The national parks have a well maintained system of trails and paths, many of which are paved ar cut into the granite, which we found silly at first. But once you see the number of people who tackle the mountains every day, it becomes apparent that it's an essential conservation measure. Although, if it wasn't so easy, maybe they wouldn't come.. it's a catch 22.

From Yosemite we drove for 8 hours to the great basin in Cathedral National Park. It's a stones throw from Area 51 and we stopped at a place called the Little Al'E Inn. The locals see all kinds of weirdness over the mountains, their vision clarified by the wonderfull booze served at the bar. We kinda liked it. We'll tell you all about the newly arrived gays which were the talk of the steamie. Not quite Pricilla, but you get the idea. If you've ever seen Independance Day...it's the trailer park where the families stay at when the aliens attack.

The roads were impossibly straight, though with enough bumps and dips to earn the title - the roller coaster. It was a fun drive and we arrived at the campsite in time to eat, drink, sing songs and sleep, sans-tent, under the unspoiled stars. It was, again, awesome.

In the morning, three of us took a quick hike into the desert for a look at the crazy rock formations.. a bit like the planet from Generations for all you trekkies out there.

We arrived in Zion that afternoon and were all still pretty washed out from the long drive and booze session the day before. Once the tents were pitched most folk did some laundry and had a dip in the pool to cool down. It's around 40 in the shade and at night... sweaty sweaty. We visited te park for a quick orientation and I found a book titled "Scat Trails for Kids" which is exactly what it sounds like... poo hunting for kids.

We also saw a black widow spider which was quite exciting and Graeme was very very brave and even looked at it. Unavoidable really as it had spun a web outside the shower block to catch some fat children.

Another free day today saw us leap out of bed at 5am in the pitch black and head into the park on the first bus of the day. In fact, the only bus before 7.30. Before leaving we spotted a big ol' preying mantis in the bathroom and watched as it pounced and devoured a cockroach, which kicked throughout the experience. It was brutally cool.

We tacked Angels Landing, which was a pretty easy but steep hike to a ridge over to another point that had a 600ft scramble to a view point. We'd been warned previously that the view wasn't worth the effort, or the fear and with high gusty wind we skipped the final part. Again we're pretty wussy. We sat on a rock high above the park and watched the sun rise. There was only 6 other people in the whole park and it was beautiful to watch undisturbed. The crowds we passed as we came down was crazy big.

From here we took a wander into the Emerald pools and up to the hidden canyon. Both were extremley beautful and fun walks requiring a little bit of bouldering to get to the exciting parts. It's really amazing and surreal with butterflys, lizards, streaks of sunlight and the cool lagoons all around. First frog of the trip also sighted. We settled for lunch under the Weeping Rock which drips 1000 year old rain water from above, a welcome relief from the oh-my-god-how-hot-is-it-actually sun.

After our tasty sandwhiches we decided to have a look at the Narrows. It's a point where two different cliffs meet and you can trek up river to narrow points and canyons. Despite it's obvious attraction there are lot of warnings about the dangers of flash flooding and with thunder overhead we thought it wise to skip, although some of our braver team members went in early and beamed with delight at the views. Still, Zion is a beautful place and we'll be sad to leave tommorrow.

We took more pictures than are healthy and I think only Morag and Alex will be as excited as us to see them! The vitam D has made is quite giddy and I made the decision to try and grab a squirrel on the way out of the canyon. They are very tame in the valley cause morons feed them. The attempt was successfull on both occassions and laughter, tickling and merriement followed us out of the park before exhaustion led us here... to the coffee shop.

Anyway.. a lenghty post and if you made it this far. Well done. We're off to Bryce tommorrow which promises to be a hoot. Right now, it's time for a cold beer and sleep... maybe a shower - we're pretty grubby - spiders permiting.

San Francisco has rapidly become my favourite American city. It's one of many contradictions; despite the very real threat of a cataclysmic earthquake the people are relaxed and laid back. The moustache is very popular here and courier chic is the order of the day. It's a fun place. At the same time these liberal and wealthy people are very adept at ignoring the horrific homeless problem. In the mid 80's the Regan administration decided that it would be a great idea to close all of the mental institutions and let the patients be cared for by their families. Of course many don't have a family so they found themselves wandering the streets and pushing carts laden with junk and their belongings. Their begging is unrivalled in the world and they have adopted an incredible tactics such as holding parking spaces and watching your car, to helping people break into their cars when they lose their keys. The populous is amazing and the gay scene is wonderful and open. We both got a kick out of seeing beautiful couples, dressed in open bottom chaps and leather vests wandering hand in hand through the colourful, characteristic neighbourhood.And when the fog rolls in it looks like something straight out Transmetropolitan.

We've been staying with Eli's friend Dustin, a giant man with a big heart and big sense of fun. He and his girlfriend Luz have taken us on the best tour of the city that money can't buy. He lives in Oakland which is like staying in East Kilbride, if East Kilbride was a beautiful suburb on the side of a hill overlooking a delicious bay covered in bridges.

The house has is in a similar style to our own although its a little larger and has at least three balconies, a basement bedsit, a cat and big dog called PeeNut.

The mornings have been spent drinking coffee and the evenings pass enjoying whiskey and rum out of old jam jars.

This is a city where people line up for the good stuff and after a twenty minute wait in china town we were treated to the best Chinese food I have ever had. We didn't even order, they just brought us food. Lots and lots of food. It was easily the greatest time.